Are you there Identity? It's me, Margaret.

I mean, Christine.

This is a blog post that has been 35 years in development. I've talked before about having a personal dislike for labels and type casting in the past and in an attempt to live my life in a more authentic and honest way, I've planned to make a lot of changes in the new year.

These are not new years resolutions, they are life affirming resolutions, and it's already begun.

Many of you might know, (but some of you won't) that I spent a good stint of my adult life as a member of the LDS church. Some, not all, but some of my very close friends from church remain close friends. In fact my very closest friends (who are also family) have been some of my greatest supports as I've been peeling back the layers of myself to find my own core.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ended up not being for me, but that doesn't mean I don't support every persons' right to worship who/what/when/where and for whatever reason they want or need. There are people on both sides of every argument that throw stones and I don't want to hear or validate ANYONE judging another person for living their lives how they feel fit. We need to work towards acceptance on a multitude of levels.

Recently I opened a discussion with my LDS friend and stated that I was tired of hiding under layers and censoring myself depending on who I was talking to. I was worried about offending people. My thoughts were mainly with my former church friends. Many of whom I'd distanced myself from because I felt like I was lying to them. I asked her;

"How can you live an unapologetic life?"

My friend said; "You can't, unless you have no conscience." I kind of agreed with that to the degree that the people who's opinions are important to me, are important because those people are special and important in my life. People outside of my sphere who would be critical of mine or anyone else because of their struggle in life can go fuck themselves! I have nothing invested in them or their opinion, negative or not.

When I was a teenager I had many spheres of friends. Work friends, school friends, childhood friends, neighborhood friends... One day I found myself in the position where I decided I wanted to try and integrate these different spheres together. It didn't work. They all liked me, I liked them all but for whatever reason they all just weren't interested in developing friendships with each other. I accepted this, and as I got older because of time and distance some friends left and new friends came.

Here I am now. Present day - and I have a similar problem only it's not my friends that are causing anxiety and discord in my life - it's me. Because I layer myself and present myself how I think they would like to receive me. She pointed out that I was "not allowing people to love me and I was doing what I was afraid they would do..." I was abandoning them before they could abandon me. Well shit. She's right.

So, I'm not doing that anymore. I've begun liberating myself.

First, I started telling people who I am. I told a burgeoning friendship at work that I was queer. It was a short and brief conversation where actual trust was built and a friendship was re-affirmed. I've started doing this with all my friends. I've also started to apologized to my closest friends and family for not trusting that they could handle the "queer" me.

Then, I deleted one of my facebook accounts. The one where I kept my Mormon friends at arms length. Where I segregated family members and co-workers. The one I never visited.

I'm not censoring anymore.

I'm letting people in. Anyone who wants in in-fact.

So for this Christmas, I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, one filled with friends and family (chosen or not), love, acceptance, peace and harmony in all that you do and are. I wish that for all of us.

Christine

The Cure

Uttohhh Uttohhh...

There's a LOT of things I don't understand in the world.

• Hate
• Child Abuse
• Molecular Biology

Maybe this sounds nuts, or weird but some days I seriously have to stop and think before I go to bed. Before I let my brain sift the day and reset for the next. Just what was good about the day I just had? Did I do something good? What the hell was it all about?

Today I stole a bunch of brownies and gave them away to everyone I saw until they were all gone.

And I guess that, will have to be good enough. For today.