Over Stimulated. Under excavated.

So, family. I have some family who refer to "home" as the compound. Sometimes even I refer to it as that. "I'm staying on the compound." or "I NEED to get off the compound!" I don't have a clue why they started that. I just think it's funny, so I do it too.

Today ~ this weekend ~ I am "Stuck" on the compound. Bad weather, bad roads. My plans to go visit my parents where quashed on Friday after a mutual agreement that it would be a bad time to be traveling this weekend because of the weather. Freezing rain n'such.

*sigh*

I'm bored, but not bored enough to get off my ass and do something about it. I just finished watching the ENTIRE Battlestar Galactica Series. I mean that was a good chunk of my life right there! 4 days!

Normally I wouldn't be so upset about having my plans delayed or canceled all together but due to some badly cooked hamburger last Saturday, I had a mild case of food poisoning. (I know right? When's the horseshoe gonna get shoved up MY ass?) CLARIFICATION - NO, I was not the one who cooked it. It was a friend and I've forgiven him.

This unfortunately led to a very rough night. Filled with illness and bad dreams. Specifically one where my mother had a sever and sudden heart attack and passed away. Between sleep walking episodes and awake walking episodes (to the bathroom) my unconscious mind wandered through the horrible details of what my subconscious thought would be the results of such a sudden and horrific event. An event for which I am not prepared in the least. I woke up still distraught in the morning and quite literally mourning something that hadn't happened.

I might add here that I am quite well know amongst friends for having vivid almost palpable dreams. I'm certain that I dream in color.

Naturally I called my mother. Unsuspecting of my anxiety and fears, we had a long conversation. Dealing with the thought of my parents inevitable passing has been something that I've thought about since early adolescence. It frightens the hell out of me. When I was a young girl I remember my mother coming home and talking to my brother and I about organ donor cards. I was so upset that she was even talking about death let alone HER own death. I grabbed the card and ripped it in two then ran and hid behind the sofa crying my eyes out only to be coaxed out an hour or two later with reassurances that it wasn't necessarily going to happen.

Now, as an adult looking back I remember my mother loosing a very close friend in a tragic accident involving a train and I think this had a lot to do with her mind set at the time. When people have children, they naturally think of these sorts of things. What will happen to them when I'm gone? Will they be taken care of? What can I do to provide for them? What kind of lesson or legacy can I leave? My mother's friend, in the driver seat had received the entire impact of the train. Her daughter had been in the passenger seat. She was only a few years younger than my brother and I. I remember someone saying she'd spent a very long time in the hospital before she could go home to her dad and sister. This was our first introduction to the idea of death before the passing of my grandmother a few years later. I don't know if my mother was trying t0 reassure us that life goes on after death - by donating her organs - but I knew I wanted them to stay in her. Her living breathing loving body. Not in some stranger. SHE needed them.

I'm not going to go into a great and horrible dissection of Battlestar Galactica but it was probably a good time to have watched it. Post-nightmare. Many ideas about love, loss, trust and life were presented in a variety of ways over the 4 seasons of that show. I realized something after sobbing hormonally over the final episode. (I know - it's just a stupid frakin' show right? Frak you, don't mock my sensitivity)

I'm not scared of death. I'm not scared of betrayal. I'm not scared of being forgotten. I used to think all my problems about overcoming identity, self acceptance and allowing people to get close to me were 100% laid in a lack of trust or the ability to trust. But it's not true, I trust people. I actually do.

The truth is I was scared of being left behind.

Left alone.

Well, here I am now. Tearless, reflective. Thinking of all the people who are a part of me, because I've given them a part of myself and yet I feel a bit at a distance still. I'm sitting in an empty house with only the hum of the water heater and my clicking keyboard. I am alone.

I guess somewhere I decided that a party of one can't be left behind and in the process, found myself in the place I feared most. Alone. Funny thing is, I'm not scared. I'm not sad or depressed. I'm just a little bored and a little bit lonely.

I think, I'll go visit my parents next weekend.

** Disclaimer **
Battlestar Galactica did not teach me this "thing" about myself.
Sitting and thinking about myself and my choices in life lead to this.